Sebastian, 03/02/98

I feel as though I could die.  I have lost my beautiful baby.  My Sebastian, my lovey baby, my tiny newborn.  He was only two years old, and I had to send him to heaven on Monday.  Oh, this is so painful.  I love him so much.  I love you my beautiful sleeping angel!  I am so grateful for the time we spent together, for the joy you brought to my life.  You were sent to me, so special, so perfect.  we were meant to be together- forever.  I have been gypped out of so many years of your love.  How can this be?  You do not deserve to die like this.  I am so sorry that I couldn't take your cancer away, couldn't make you better, couldn't save you from suffering.  Oh God, I miss you.  How can I go on?  You are not a pet, you are my baby.  As sure as if you were of my own flesh and blood.  I will never get over you.  Never forget you.  Every time I look out the window at your beautiful little grave and garden, done with such care by your Daddy, my heart breaks.  I know you are looking down on me, but I long so desperately to hold you again.  My arms keep folding into the cradling position, my face tilting downward so that we can gaze into each others eyes as we always did.  My hands keep moving to my arm to caress you.  But you are not there.  Oh Sebastian, how can I go on without you.  Quail is so sad.  Rhianna is too.  Kring has not realized yet, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.  Please know, too that although Daddy was too strong to tell you that he loved you during your healthy days of life, remember how much he told you while you were sick.  His heart is very sad without you.  Oh my tiny newborn, thank you for letting me hold you as though you were an infant, for jumping up into my arms even when I wasn't looking, for trusting that I'd know you were flying through the air into my arms and knowing I'd always catch you.  And for being a crazy nippler!  Oh I miss you so much already and it's only been 24 hours.  How will I live without you?
I know I did the right thing sending you up to Heaven.  I am so happy that I could be caressing you as Dr Dring gave you your injections.  Did you hear me telling you how much everyone loves you?  Your face was so peaceful and beautiful.  My sleeping Angel.  I felt so much love as I swaddled you in your blanket,  and gazed at your beautiful sleeping face as Daddy drove us home.  Home.  Your final resting place.  I must have you close to me.  Daddy was preparing the pictures to place in your tiny casket as you and I lie on the bed together, much the way we did for the final three weeks we had together.  Could you hear Mommy's song to you my lovey?  "We'll stay forever this way, you are safe in my heart and my heart will go on  and on."  I know you will always be in my heart, but I don't know if I can go on.  I don't want to.  I hope that you were not afraid when I gently placed your sleeping body in your casket.  Did you see that Mommy put your favorite nippling night shirt under your head?  I lifted your head so gently, could you feel my touch?  I wish I could remember what I wrote to you in the love note I placed right by your face.  I know that you can't read it, but your heart knows every word that it says.   On the outside I wrote, "MOMMY  LOVES YOU".  You know that.  I placed our picture right next to your heart and pictures of your brothers along your back.  They love you too...  Daddy made you a beautiful grave.  I watched to make sure it was right, all the while caressing you precious face and ears, my heart breaking.  Did you like the daffodils?  One from Mommy and one from Daddy.  I know why they bloomed so early this year.  They are for you.  I didn't want to put the cover on your casket until the last possible second.  I couldn't bear to not be able to see you.  Oh the memory of your precious little face.  I think that's when I knew that you had become my precious sleeping Angel.  My beautiful baby, I miss you.  You are safe in my heart.   Did you see Daddy so lovingly and gently placing the dirt around your tiny casket?  He was so careful.  I could tell how much he loves you!  Could you feel our love as we planted your little garden?   I told your Daddy that the daffodils were so perfect for you.  they are like beautiful, happy smiling faces.  Just like you.   As soon as I can, I'll get more lovely plants to put near you.  I did pretty well, not breaking down until after we finished your garden.  When Daddy and I went in the house, I felt so alone.  I expected to see you there.  My beautiful baby.  Oh Sebastian!  I am so sorry that you suffered!  Saturday and Sunday were so bad for you.  I'm so sorry.  We called your doctor first thing on Monday morning.  I hope you forgive me.  Do you remember Uncle Gary, Aunt Jackie and Aunt Schmi coming by on Sunday to say good-bye?  They love you so much.  Everyone loves you!
I wonder why God took you form me so soon.  But I know why in my heart.  You fulfilled your mission on earth.  Did you ever!  Daddy brought me to get you to help me feel better while our beautiful Aunt Cynny was dying of cancer.  You certainly helped!  You and I were meant to be together!  What else would explain why Daddy and I spent all those hours at the groomer, playing with the other kittens, but I didn't really want any of those that were there.  I didn't feel any love for them.  They were just cute.  When that lady brought you in to leave you to be adopted, I almost grabbed you right from her arms!  I shouted out Oh I want him!!  It was you.  I only wanted you!  God made us wait there until the lady brought you in.  If we would have left, I never would have been blessed with you.   Thank God we stayed!  Thank you God for the time you gave me with my Sebastian.
My beautiful lovey.  It was so horrible to see you sick with cancer.  There was no reason why you should have been sick.  You are so good, so loving, so affectionate, so friendly.  Why you?  I wish I could be with you, to hold you,  to love you.  Daddy wants me to remember you in your healthy times.  I do.  But right know I feel so sad, and keep thinking about you being sick.  I tried SO HARD to make you better.  Mommy loves you so much!  I am so sorry I couldn't take away your pain.  GOD WHY DID YOU MAKE HIM SUFFER!!   I need my lovey back to comfort me, to help me with this!  You sent him to me to help me with Aunt Cynny, but now what?  What am I suppose to do?  Who is going to help me now?  I need him!  He is the only one in my entire life that ever NEEDED me.  He is the one who returned my affection three fold!  I love him with all my heart, and somehow he loved me even more!  
Thank you Sebastian for the joy you brought to my life. For loving me so much for the two years we had together.  I will treasure that time always.  Please some to me in my dreams, my Angel.  Let me know that you are healthy and happy now.  Remember, no more sickness, no more pain, only love and happiness.  I hope that Aunt Cynny and Dad K. were there to greet you.  Did you recognize Aunt Cynny?  She is the most beautiful Angel with the biggest heart, and she has red hair just like you!  So many parallels in your lives.  Unfortunately you even passed in the same way.  So horrible, my precious Angels.  I'm sorry.
Please my baby, know how much Mommy loves you.   Please look down upon me and send lots of love.  Oh boy, do I need it now.  Know that my tears are all for you, Mommy's love pouring out of her heart in the form of tears.  Oh my baby, I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!   I hope that someday I will see you again.  You are safe in my heart.  Daddy and I are going to get me a locket this weekend.  It will be engraved, "Safe in My heart", and I'll put your picture in it.  You will be right next to my heart.  I only wish that we were together again.  I will go outside later on and sit on the bench near your grave, and I'll speak to you.  I hope you can hear me. My heart tells me you do.  I hope it's right.  One more thing my precious.  Was that you entering Heaven as the sun broke through the clouds yesterday morning?  As Daddy was preparing your resting place, the Sun came out.  It was so bright, but it was cloudy all of the morning before then.  It was you, wasn't it.  I knew God and all the Angels and Saints in Heaven would be SO happy to see you!    The sun shone so beautifully.  I know it was you shining your love upon Mommy and Daddy one last time.   One last time before we had to say good-bye to your beautiful little body.  Sleep pretty my beautiful Angel!   Mommy loves you Sebastian.  Mommy loves you!
                                                Safe in my heart,
                                                    Mommy

To my beautiful sleeping Angel, Sebastian:

I miss you so much my lovey. It's almost a month now, but it seems like forever since I've held you, kissed you, touched you, gazed into your eyes. Never forget our special love. You are safe in my heart my beautiful baby. Mommy loves you, Sebastian. Mommy loves you!

CarylAnn